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The Going Rogue Index

amybdk — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:00:15 -0800

Sarah Palin didn't put an index in her book. So we made one for her.

By Christopher Beam
Posted Tuesday, Nov. 17, 2009, at 10:52 PM ETSource

When Sarah Palin's 413-page autobiography, Going Rogue: An American Life, hit stands Tuesday, readers discovered the governor's most mavericky move yet-that the book lacks an index. So Slate has compiled its own. Just print out this index, paste it into the back of your copy, and start skipping around! (And yes, the page numbers are real.)

Alaska________autumn bouquet of, 1________robin's egg sky of, 2________superiority to Lower 48 of, 1-413

Baldwin, Alec________preference for Stephen over, 314

Biden, Joe________gaffes of, 278________pre-debate stretching regimen of, 296 accidental reference to as "Senator O'Biden," 289

blinking, not, 198

Blitzer, Wolf________approval of mother of, 351________implicit disapproval of, 351

Builder, Tito the, 305

Bono, nondescript conversation with, 301

books and magazines, references to________A Conflict of Vision, 385________Animal Farm, 27________Buck, Pearl S., 180________Bible, the, 15 ________Cookbooks, 15________Lewis, C.S., 27________Nash, Ogden, 15________National Geographic, 27________The Pearl, 27________Ranger Rick, 27________Reader's Digest, 15________Seagull, Jonathan Livingston, 27________Service, Robert, 15________Sports Illustrated, 27________The Wonderful World of Oz, 16

cap and trade________brilliant suggested renaming of as "Cap and Tax," 390________characterization of as "environmentalist Ponzi scheme," 391

capital letters, unorthodox use of________"Patriots," dedication page

Clinton, Hillary________accusation of whining of, 287________invitation to coffee of, 287

Community organizing, actual responsibility lackingness of, 65, 242

Couric, Katie________"repetitive, biased questions" of, 271________unfair editing of interview with, 273________condescension of, 276________things I could/should have said to, 274-5________things I could have done instead of talking to, 279

crowds ________unexpected size of, 266________insistence on lingering with, despite objections from campaign staffers, 268

debate, vice presidential ________poorness of preparation for, 281-5________answers they made me give during, 281________answers I wanted to give during, 282________wink during, N/A

"Democrat," usage of as adjective, 155, 227

dialogue, implausibly recreated, 2, 53, 74, 151, 161, 179, 188, 217, 235, 318, 358, 375

diet________forced by Steve Schmidt to go on, 284________Steve Schmidt needs to go on, 285

eBay________attempted selling of jet on, 147________fudging of original claim that I did sell jet on, 147

e-mail, hacking of, 263-5

exclamation point, usage of, 4, 26, 120, 121, 122, 138, 150, 199, 207, 222, 223, 225, 233, 239, 241, 276, 302, 307

evolution________skeptical views of, 217________________use of word "Neanderthal" despite, 30, 172

"experts," wrongness of, 254, 289, 336, 375, 392

Facebook________citation of as example of laudable free-market enterprise, 400________utility of for calling out haters, 400

Ferraro, Geraldine________kinship with, 295

food, Alaskan________halibut tacos, 1________reindeer sausage 1________caribou lasagna, 218

foreshadowing, dramatic, 25, 28, 44

God ________belief in, 22________rewards from________________children (implicit), 23________________Todd Palin, 34________________job for Todd, 50________conversation with, 173________master plan of, 176________inability to make mistakes of, 185________letter written in the voice of, 185-187________deliberate causation of premature birth of Trig of, 195

Going rogue, actual instances of ________handing phone to McCain for a radio interview without permission, 252________expressing regret about pulling out of Michigan, 298________distancing self from $150,000 wardrobe purchase, 317________Todd going onstage on Election Night despite being told not to, 337

Hasselbeck, Elizabeth________"bold and talented" nature of, 315

haters, named________Andrew Halcro, 116________"falafel lady" Andree McLeod, 117________The Huffington Post, 238

haters, unnamed________Ashley Judd, 134________"town crier," 117________Andrew Sullivan, 238________David Corn, 305

Hunting and/or fishing, 10, 14, 16, 17, 18, 19, 23, 25, 29, 31 (before school), 44, 49, 55, 165, 166, 177, 327, 379

Johnston, Levi________single, unnamed reference to as Bristol's "former boyfriend", 375

journalists, top sources for________a defeated former Palin opponent, 236________a maniacal blogger, 236________the "falafel lady," 236

Kerry, John, elitism of, 181

Lieberman, Joe, 285-6________advice from, 286

life, observations about________"Life has a fascinating way of coming full circle," 131

"maverick", various forms of, 90, 252, 299

mavericky decisions, examples of________not using corporate jet, 130________firing personal chef, 133________not spending time on the Juneau cocktail circuit, 140

McCain, Cindy________elegance and beauty of, 210________inaccuracy of "ice queen" reputation of, 221

McCain, John________first meeting with, 210________discussion of candidacy with, 220________final conversation with, 336________characterization of as "my friend," 380

meat________preference for, 18________deep question about: "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" 133

media________getting things wrong, 203, 233, 237, 238, 276, 342, 378________getting things right, 246________liberalness of, 270

"midnight sun," 1, 22, 149

miracle, Election Day prayer for, 331

mistakes________betraying Todd's stepmom by not backing her for Wasilla mayor, 87________not making a bigger issue of Rev. Wright, 307

moose, 18, 20, 31, 113, 134, 270

music listened to________Toby Keith, 105________Black Eyed Peas, 114________"an old LL Cool J remix," 114

names, origins of________Track, 53________Bristol, 57________Willow, N/A________Piper, 76________Agia (puppy), 137________Trig, 185

"nerd," characterization of self as, 37, 149

Obama, Barack ________impressive but empty oratorical skills of, 227________"staggering national deficit" incurred by, 388

Palin, Todd________ownership of 1972 Ford Mustang by, 34________quiet maturity of, 34________manly physique of, 352

philosophers, citation of________Aristotle, 63________King, Martin Luther Jr., 86________Paine, Thomas, 146________Pascal, 22________Plato, 24________Twain, Mark, 397

policy, preference for over politics, 156

politics-as-usual, 3, 5, 6, 70, 72, 109, 119, 144, 156, 183________(See also status quo, 5)

prayers________answered________________boyfriend, 33________________job for Todd with British Petroleum, 50________not answered________________winning debate with Joe Biden, 295________________winning 2008 election, 333

pregnancy________descriptions of________________"I porked up," 50________________"ready to calve," 51________________"more nauseated than usual," 171________________"starving for king crab and scallops," 192________________feeling contractions during Texas speech, 194________reaction to own________________"Holy geez!", 171________reaction to Bristol's________________"Truthfully, I was devastated," 207________campaign's advance knowledge of, 214________campaign's botched handling of, 234

"progress," usage of as transitive verb, 64

pundits, idiocy of, 44

Reagan, Ronald, 3, 12, 45, 46, 47, 59, 124, 158, 216, 297, 384, 386, 387, 391, 394, 400________(See: USS Ronald Reagan, 394)

resignation________ethics complaints that led to, 352________FOIA requests that led to, 354________agonizing over, 375-6________announcement of, 377________characterization of as "not retreating" but "reloading," 377, 383

Rock, Kid________approval of as "pro-America" with "common sense ideas", 300

running (exercise)________Refusal of campaign to let her engage in, 285________Injury incurred the one time she is allowed to engage in, 291

Russia, proximity of Alaska to, 275________map proving it, pre-index page

Salter, Mark________willingness to engage in fisticuffs of, 213

Sarkozy, Nicolas________prank call from impersonator of, 326________Schmidt's "screaming" reaction to, 328

Saturday Night Live, 26________watching of, 26________longtime admiration for, 26________excitement to go on, 308________comparing belly sizes with cast of, 311________transcript of moose rap on, 312

Scheunemann, Randy________likeability of, 228________willingness to defend Palin of, 319

Schmidt, Steve________bald head of, 212________24-hour sunglasses-wearing of, 212________unlikeability of, 212________conniving, back-stabbing machinations of, 318-21

science, inadequacy of to explain existence, 47

sentence, actual ________"As the soles of my shoes hit the soft ground, I pushed past the tall cottonwood trees in a euphoric cadence, and meandered through willow branches that the moose munched on," 102

Seward, William H.________mockery of for purchasing Alaska in 1867, 12________ultimate vindication of, 13

shaking things up, locations of________city hall, 72________state house, 128________"across the entire state," 123

skeletons in closet, only________D in college, 214

slogans________"Positive-ly Palin", 64________"New Energy," 86________"Change," 112________"New Energy for Alaska," 119________"Take a Stand," 119________"Greenies. Grannies. Gunnies," 129________"Country First," 269

snowmachine, 17, 18, 34, 44, 47, 83, 125, 187-9, 302________Todd's injury on, 189

speech, Republican National Convention________characterization of as "a team effort," 239________line-by-line rehashing of, 240-6

speech, election night________painstaking drafting of, 332-5________Schmidt forbidding delivery of, 336________added humiliation of having to physically hold it, rolled-up, onstage, 336

sports metaphors________running, 27, 204________softball, 32________basketball, 41________dog racing, 70________hunting, 344

Stevens, Ted________road trip with, 89

Stone, Oliver________Refusal to shake hands with, 313

tax cuts, benefits of, 46

terrorists________Obama palling around with, 306________________regret over inability to talk more about, 307

"Trig Truthers," 238, 347

Troopergate, 201-204, 246________Failure of press to comprehend, 203

turkey, on-camera killing of, 345

upbringing, hardscrabbleness of, ________sewed own clothes, 16________baked own bread, 17________stacked own firewood, 17________unheated, unfurnished family room, 26________didn't ask for money from parents, 32

"Up-do," explanation of, 231

Wallace, Nicolle________disloyalty of, 256________incompetence of, 256________friendship with Katie Couric, 272

wardrobe________disdain for cost of, 230________$150,000 price of, 314________unfair media reaction to, 315________absence of Palin responsibility for, 317

Warren, Rick________praying in the shower with, 302

Wasilla, notable nicknames for________Home of the Iditarod, 64________Duct Tape Capital of the World, 66

wedding________simple city hall-style of, 49

food served at (Wendy's), 49________cost of wedding ring ($35), 230

Wurzelbacher, Joe "the Plumber," 304-7

"you betcha" ________revelation of as not actually Alaska's state motto, 309

Corn maze requires families to be their own navigation aids

tdsollog — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 09:37:15 -0700

I love these!!!! They're one of those "fall traditions".....

*********************************************************************
Corn maze requires families to be their own navigation aids
By COURTNEY McCANN Staff Writer, 609-272-7219
http://www.pressofatlanticcity.com/113/story/280260.html
Published: Thursday, October 09, 2008

Corn maze

Matt Mangold stood alone on a platform overlooking a three-acre cornfield at Butterhof's Shady Brook Farm in Mullica Township. Under the teenage farmhand's watchful eye, scores of children and parents, their heads barely visible over the towering stalks of green corn, attempted to navigate a maze cut through the field.
"I just kind of watch them, unless they ask for help," Mangold, 16, said. "But I don't even have the maze all figured out."

At one point, Steve Riis ducked under the ropes designed to keep people on the right (or wrong) path and climbed up to Mangold's perch to take pictures of his family down in the maze. At least that was the plan.

"You don't realize how high it is down there," the Egg Harbor Township father of two said. "One guy we're with is 6 feet 4 inches tall and they're all following him."

Getting lost in a maze has become a new fall tradition as more and more local farmers are converting their cornfields into twisting, turning tourist attractions. Tickets for corn mazes are packaged with hayrides, pumpkin picking and other autumn-themed activities.

"It's a chance to have a day out with your kids and your family," said Angela Martin, who owns Argos Farm in Forked River with her husband Spyro. "And fall is the best time of year."
The corn maze has been an Argos farm fall staple for the past two years, and a popular destination for families with children too young for scary hayrides, haunted houses and other traditional October festivities.

"We're going to a corn maze guys! Let's see if we can go get lost," Jennifer Doderer of Bayville shouted excitedly as she herded a group of adults and toddlers towards the Argos maze entrance one recent Saturday morning.

"Not too lost," Ed Doderer warned his wife. "Penn State plays at noon."

The friendly orange-clad farm workers assured the group that it only takes about 20 minutes to navigate the maze with the help of a map and lettered markers posted in alphabetical order. But between keeping three small children from going down dead ends and trying to follow the map, things weren't looking good for the Doderers, who had left navigating up to family friend Ben Keller.

"Guys, I'm officially lost," Keller admitted, gazing first at the map and then at the thick expanse of corn towering over his head. "I had it at the F, and now I'm not sure where we are."

There's more rhyme and reason to a corn maze's paths than people think. For the past two years the Martins have hired The MAiZE, a professional corn maze design company from Utah, to cut special images into their cornfields. This year's maze is cut into a scarecrow design.

According to The MAiZE founder Brett Herbst, his services can cost anywhere from $3,000 to $7,000 depending on the size and design of the field.

We've done Muhammad Ali, Larry King, Oprah Winfrey," Herbst said. "This year we did our own maze shaped like ("American Idol" runner up) David Archuleta."

Creating the corn maze at Shady Brook farms has been a family affair for more than eight years. Owner Al Butterhof has his niece, a former cartography buff, map out a design on a paper grid. In June, when the corn is only ankle high, Butterhof marks off the grid with stakes and then spray paints the maze trail through the corn.

Maze maintenance continues throughout the summer.

"We get a couple guys from the Sureshot Gun Club out there and they weed whack the entire path," Butterhof said. "Then I go through it with a lawnmower a few times as the corn comes up to keep the path clear."

The Butterhofs send customers into the maze armed with a scavenger hunt checklist and nothing more. The truly brave can try tackling the maze at night armed with flashlights, though it's a good idea to take Butterhof's cell phone number along.

"If they get lost, they can give us a call," Butterhof said. "Then we'll go in there after them."

Navigating a corn maze is an accomplishment valued almost as much by the adults as by the children.

Martin once took a memorable trip through her maze with a woman who suffered from severe claustrophobia and couldn't follow her teenagers into the field.

"I held her arm and we went together and we did it," Martin said. "She was crying at the end, she was so proud of herself."

Back at Shady Brook farm, Riis leaned on the railing at the top of the tower with Mangold and gazed out over the cornfield. Suddenly, he heard his name being called from the depths of the corn.

"Steve! Can you see which way is out?"

It was his wife and two young daughters, stuck in yet another dead end.

E-mail Courtney McCann: CMcCann@pressofac.com

Local corn mazes in southern NJ:

Argos Farms
1250 Lacey Rd., Forked River, 609-693-3513.
Hours: 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturdays and Sundays. Group reservations available 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Thursdays.
Maze admission: $8 for adults, $6 for children ages 3 to 6, free for children ages 2 and younger.
Also check out: hayrides, pony rides, face painting, cow train.

Butterhof's Shady Brook Farm
5800 White Horse Pike, Mullica Township, 609-965-1285. Hours: 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Saturday and Sunday. Group reservations available at nights and on weekdays.
Maze admission: $5, $9 for maze/hayride combo.

R & J Farms
723 W. Herschel St, Egg Harbor City, 609-593-6180.
Hours: 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. Fridays through Sundays.
Admission: $6, $5 for maze/hayride combo. Discounts for children and groups.

10 Casseroles in 3 Hours

ashleycakes — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 07:40:17 -0700

The same friend that sent me the link to the 365 crockpot recipes also included the recipes and assembly directions for how to make "10 casseroles in 3 hours". That might be a little deceiving because it's actually only 5 different recipes, but they make double portions. Anyway, I thought I would pass this information on to you all, just in case you might have a free afternoon to make all of these. Apparently they freeze and re-heat very well.

"10 Casseroles in 3 Hours": freezer meals recipes, directions, and shopping list

These casseroles are "nothing special" but if you have several hours and are on a mission to save/freeze some meals, it really works. The canned chicken is the biggest time saver (and most expensive item) here, but you can cook two chickens and chop up the meat if you want to save some money. Even with the canned chicken, it comes out to about $1.25 per serving. The recipes make 8x8-size pan casseroles, or you can combine them to make a large 9x13 pan (but the 8x8 size will feed a family of 4). Four of them are layered casseroles, so you need to put them in a dish, but the others you can freeze and thaw in a bag and then pour them into the dish before baking. I serve veggies on the side with these casseroles, but you can add them into the casseroles if you like.

Tips to get started: have everything you need on the counter, chop all the onions at once and place them in prep bowls, brown the meat in two batches, and taste the mixtures to adjust your seasonings! I recommend working on the two beef casseroles at the same time and finishing them before starting on the chicken casseroles. Also, don't forget to label your casseroles with name of casserole, date you made them and instructions for cooking before you freeze them.

Baked Pasta
Mexican Lasagna
Chicken Noodle Casserole
King Ranch Chicken
Chicken and Rice

Baked Pasta (makes 2 8x8 pans):
1 1/2 lbs. ground beef
1 onion, chopped
12 oz. medium shell pasta
1 large jar pasta sauce
8 oz. shredded sharp cheddar cheese
Garlic, oregano, and basil to taste
Salt and pepper to taste

Mexican Lasagna (makes 2 8x8 pans):
1 1/2 lbs. Ground beef
1 cup onion, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped (optional)
1/2 packet low sodium taco seasoning
1 Can pinto beans, rinsed and drained
1 small can corn
16 Corn tortillas
2 Jars salsa
2 cups Mexican blend shredded cheese

Chicken Noodle Casserole (makes 2 8x8 pans):
3 cups chopped cooked chicken
1 8 oz. package wide egg noodles (not extra wide)
1 cup onion, chopped (optional)
2 cans condensed cream of chicken soup
1 cup milk
2 Tbsp. butter
Paprika, salt and pepper to taste
1 sleeve Ritz crackers, crushed

King Ranch Chicken Casserole (makes 2 8x8 pans)
3 cups chopped cooked chicken
16 corn tortillas, broken into pieces (or you can substitute flour tortillas, use 6-8 large burrito size)
1 onion, chopped
2 cans condensed cream of chicken soup
2 cans mild Rotel, drained
Garlic powder, cumin, chili powder to taste
2 cups Mexican-blend shredded cheese
Salt and pepper to taste

Chicken and Rice Casserole (makes 2 8x8 pans)
3 cups chopped cooked chicken
1 cup chopped onion
1 can condensed Chicken Noodle Soup
1 can chicken broth
2 cups rice (not converted rice)
1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup (or use cream of chicken)
1 cup milk
Salt and pepper to taste
Extra butter to taste

Directions for Assembly:
Baked pasta:
Start by cooking the pasta shells in a large pot of boiling water according to package directions. Drain.
In a large skillet, brown ground beef and cook with onion. Drain excess fat.
In a large bowl, combine all ingredients. Divide into two large gallon freezer Ziploc bags and label the outside. Cover each with another Ziploc bag.

Mexican lasagna:
In a large skillet, brown ground beef with onion (and bell pepper if using). Drain fat. Add taco seasoning and about ½ cup of water. Simmer until the water is absorbed into the sauce. Mix in beans and corn.
In two greased 8x8 pans, layer the bottom with corn tortillas (four in each). Layer on top of that ¼ of meat/bean mixture (in each pan), 2/3 cup of salsa (in each pan), and ½ cup cheese (in each pan). Repeat layers, ending with cheese. Cover tightly with two layers of aluminum foil and label.

Chicken Noodle Casserole:
Cook egg noodles in water. Drain and stir in butter into the noodles.
Microwave chopped onions for 1 minute or until soft.
Mix together in a large bowl chicken, soup, onions, paprika, milk, salt and pepper to taste.
Mix in noodles. Divide mixture into two large Ziploc bags, label them, and double-bag them for the freezer. Don’t use Ritz crackers until you are ready to bake.

King Ranch Casserole:
Cook chopped onion in a microwave-safe bowl for about 1 minute or until soft.
In a large bowl, mix together soup, Rotel, onion, and seasonings. In two 8 x8 pans, layer chicken on the bottom, top with tortilla pieces, then soup mixture, then cheese. Repeat layers. Cover tightly with two layers of aluminum foil and label.

Chicken and Rice Casserole:
In 2-cup measuring cup, drain all the liquid from the Chicken Noodle soup into the cup. Add enough chicken broth to make two cups, pour into pot for cooking rice. Add another two cups of broth/water (and butter to taste) and bring to a boil (You need FOUR total cups of liquid to cook two cups of rice). Add rice , bring to boil, and lower to a simmer to cook rice for twenty minutes at low heat. Don't overcook the rice.
Cook chopped onion in a microwave-safe bowl for about 1 minute or until soft.
In a large bowl, combine soup, milk, seasonings, onion, chicken, and cooked rice. Divide mixture into two large Ziploc bags, label, and double-bag them for the freezer.

Baking directions:
Baked pasta: once fully thawed, pour into your 8x8 pan and bake at 375 covered for 40 minutes or so. Remove cover and bake for another 10-15 minutes.

Mexican lasagna:
Thaw completely, bake covered at 350 for 25 minutes. Remove foil and bake 15 minutes or longer until cheese is melted. Let stand 10 minutes before serving.

Chicken Noodle Casserole:
Thaw completely. Pour into 8x8 pan. Crush ½ sleeve of Ritz crackers and sprinkle on top of mixture. Bake, covered, at 350 for 30 minutes, then uncover and bake for 15-20 minutes or until bubbly around edges.

King Ranch Casserole:
Thaw completely. Bake at 325 uncovered for 45-60 minutes.

Chicken and Rice Casserole:
Thaw completely. Pour into 8x8 pan. Bake covered at 350 for 30-40 minutes or until heated through.

Shopping list:
4 8x8 pans
12 gallon freezer Ziploc bags
3 ½ lb. package ground beef
2 large (50 oz.) cans cooked diced chicken breast
3 large onions
1 green bell pepper, optional
1 16 oz. box pasta shells
1 8 oz. bag egg noodles
Rice
1 large package corn tortillas
1 packet low sodium taco seasoning
1 large jar pasta sauce
2 jars salsa
2 cans mild Rotel
4 cans condensed cream of chicken soup
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can condensed chicken noodle soup
1 can chicken broth
1 can pinto beans
1 small can corn
1 1-lb. bag of shredded Mexican cheese
1 8-oz. bag of shredded cheddar cheese
Ritz crackers
Seasonings, butter, milk

How the states got the nicknames

Monique Marie — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 22:44:08 -0700

Alabama
Alabama has been known as the “Yellowhammer State” since the Civil War. The yellowhammer nickname was applied to the Confederate soldiers from Alabama when a company of young cavalry soldiers from Huntsville, under the command of Rev. D.C. Kelly, arrived at Hopkinsville, KY, where Gen. Forrest's troops were stationed. The officers and men of the Huntsville company wore fine, new uniforms, whereas the soldiers who had long been on the battlefields were dressed in faded, worn uniforms. On the sleeves, collars and coattails of the new calvary troop were bits of brilliant yellow cloth. As the company rode past Company A , Will Arnett cried out in greeting "Yellowhammer, Yellowhammer, flicker, flicker!" The greeting brought a roar of laughter from the men and from that moment the Huntsville soldiers were spoken of as the "yellowhammer company." The term quickly spread throughout the Confederate Army and all Alabama troops were referred to unofficially as the "Yellowhammers."
source: http://www.archives.state.al.us/emblems/st_bird.html

Alaska
Alaska is called “The Last Frontier”, because of its opportunities and many lightly settled regions, and the “Land of the Midnight Sun”, because the sun shines nearly around the clock during Alaskan summers.
source: Encarta

Arizona
Arizona’s most famous nickname “The Grand Canyon State” celebrates its most famous natural feature, the Grand Canyon. Arizona's other nickname “Copper State” celebrates its fabulous mineral wealth.
source: http://www.azag.gov/ChildrensPage/5_8Arizona.html

Arkansas
Officially known as “The Natural State”, Arkansas is known throughout the country for its natural beauty, clear lakes and streams and abundance of natural wildlife.
source: http://www.sosweb.state.ar.us/aboutark/

California
“The Golden State” has long been a popular designation for California and was made the official State Nickname in 1968. It is particularly appropriate since California's modern development can be traced back to the discovery of gold in 1848 and fields of golden poppies can be seen each spring throughout the state. The Golden State Museum is also the name of a new museum slated to open in late 1998 at the California State Archives in Sacramento. The museum's exhibits will bring to life the momentous events of California's history through a series of innovative, interpretive exhibits.
source: http://www.library.ca.gov/history/cahinsig.html

Colorado
Colorado has been nicknamed the “Centennial State” because it became a state in the year 1876, 100 years after the signing of our nation's Declaration of Independence. Colorado also is called “Colorful Colorado” presumably because of it's magnificent scenery of mountains, rivers and plains. This phrase has decorated maps, car license plates, tourist information centers and souvenirs of all kinds!
source: http://www.archives.state.co.us/arcembl.html

Connecticut
Connecticut was designated the “Constitution State” by the General Assembly in 1959. As early as the 19th Century, John Fiske, a popular historian from Connecticut, made the claim that the Fundamental Orders of 1638/39 were the first written constitution in history. Some contemporary historians dispute Fiske's analysis. However, Simeon E. Baldwin, a former Chief Justice of the Connecticut Supreme Court, defended Fiske's view of the Fundamental Orders in Osborn's History of Connecticut in Monographic Form by stating that "never had a company of men deliberately met to frame a social compact for immediate use, constituting a new and independent commonwealth, with definite officers, executive and legislative, and prescribed rules and modes of government, until the first planters of Connecticut came together for their great work on January 14th, 1638-9." The text of the Fundamental Orders is reproduced in Section I of this volume and the original is on permanent display at the Museum of Connecticut History at the State Library. Connecticut has also been known as the “Nutmeg State”, the “Provisions State”, and the “Land of Steady Habits”.
source: http://www.state.ct.us/sots/RegisterManual/SectionX/Misc7.htm

Delaware
“The First State”: Delaware is known by this nickname due to the fact that on December 7, 1787, it became the first of the 13 original states to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
“The Diamond State”: This nickname was given to Delaware, according to legend, by Thomas Jefferson because he described Delaware as a "jewel" among states due to its strategic location on the Eastern Seaboard.
“Blue Hen State”: This nickname was given to Delaware after the fighting Blue Hen Cocks that were carried with the Delaware Revolutionary War Soldiers for entertainment during Cock fights.
“Small Wonder”: This nickname is basically a new nickname. It was given to Delaware due to its size and the contributions it has made to our country as a whole and the beauty of Delaware.
source: http://www.state.de.us/facts/history/delfact.htm

Florida
“Sunshine State” was adopted as the State Nickname by the 1970 Legislature. Previously, official sanction for this nickname could be inferred from the law requiring use of Sunshine State on motor vehicle licenses."
source: Florida Handbook, 1997-1998, by Allen Morris.

Georgia
Georgia is known as the “Peach State” because of the growers' reputation for producing the highest quality fruit. The peach became the official state fruit in 1995.
source: http://www.sos.state.ga.us/museum/html/state_fruit.html

Hawaii
Hawaii became officially known as the “Aloha State” by a 1959 legislative act. Haw. Rev. Stat. 5-7
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

Idaho
In 1863, Congress designated the Idaho Territory with the erroneous understanding that Idaho was a Shoshone word meaning Gem of the Mountains. In spite of the misunderstanding concerning the origin of the name the state continues to be known as the “Gem State” and the “Gem of the Mountains”.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

Illinois
Known unofficially as the “Prairie State”, a fitting nickname for a state that sets aside the third full week in September each year as Illinois Prairie Week to demonstrate the value of preserving and reestablishing native Illinois prairies.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

Indiana
“Hoosier State” came into general usage in the 1830s. John Finley of Richmond wrote a poem, "The Hoosier's Nest," which was used as the "Carrier's Address" of the Indianapolis Journal, Jan. 1, 1833. It was widely copied throughout the country and even abroad. A few days later, on January 8, 1833, at the Jackson Day dinner at Indianapolis, John W. Davis offered "The Hoosier State of Indiana" as a toast. And in August, former Indiana governor James B. Ray announced that he intended to publish a newspaper, The Hoosier, at Greencastle, Indiana.
source: http://www.statelib.lib.in.us/www/ihb/hoosier.html

Iowa
The “Hawkeye State” was first suggested by James G. Edwars as a tribute to indian leader Chief Black Hawk.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

Kansas
The nickname “Sunflower State” calls to mind the wild flowers of the plains of Kansas and the officially recognized state flower.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

Kentucky
Bluegrass is not really blue--it's green--but in the spring, bluegrass produces bluish-purple buds that when seen in large fields give a rich blue cast to the grass. Early pioneers found bluegrass growing on Kentucky's rich limestone soil, and traders began asking for the seed of the "blue grass from Kentucky." The name stuck and today Kentucky is known as the “Bluegrass State”.
source: http://www.state.ky.us/agencies/gov/symbols.htm

Louisiana
The nickname “Pelican State” is a tribute to the official state bird, the brown pelican, which is native to Louisiana.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

Maine
The “Pine Tree State” recognizes the white pine tree, an officially designated state symbol. Maine possesses over 17 million acres of forests.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer ISBN 0313288623 1994

Maryland
According to some historians, Gen. George Washington bestowed the name “Old Line State” and thereby associated Maryland with its regular line troops, the Maryland Line, who served courageously in many Revolutionary War battles.
source: http://www.mdarchives.state.md.us/msa/mdmanual/01glance/html/nickname.ht...

Massachusetts
Early settlers were responsible for nicknaming the “Bay State” because of its proximity to several large bays. The “Old Colony State” refers to the original Plymouth colony.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer ISBN 0313288623 1994

Michigan
Some people believe that Ohioans gave Michigan the nickname “The Wolverine State” around 1835 during a dispute over the Toledo strip, a piece of land along the border between Ohio and Michigan. Rumors in Ohio at the time described Michiganians as being as vicious and bloodthirsty as wolverines. This dispute became known as the Toledo War.

Another reason given for the nickname is a story that has Native Americans, during the 1830s, comparing Michigan settlers to wolverines. Some native people, according to this story, disliked the way settlers were taking the land because it made them think of how the gluttonous wolverine went after its food.

Another nickname for Michigan is the “Great Lake State.” Michigan's shores touch four of the five Great Lakes, and Michigan has more than 11,000 inland lakes. In Michigan, you are never more than 6 miles from an inland lake or more than 85 miles from a Great Lake. From 1969 to 1975 and from 1977 to 1983 Michigan's automobile license plates featured the legend, GREAT LAKE STATE.
source: http://www.sos.state.mi.us/history/michinfo/michfaq/michfaq.html

Minnesota
“L'Etoile du Nord” or “The Star of North” is the state motto of Minnesota. The “North Star State” has given people a sense of direction over the course of time.
Minnesota is known on its license plates as the “Land of 10,000 Lakes,” but Minnesota actually has 12,000 lakes.
source: http://www.state.mn.us/aam/aamp1-6.html

Mississippi
The “Magnolia State” is named because of the abundance of magnolia flowers and trees in the state. The magnolia is the official state flower and the official state tree.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

Missouri
“Show Me State” A name attributed to Representative Willard Van Diver. It conotates a certain self-deprecating stubbornness and devotion to simple common sense.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

Montana
“Treasure State” refers to the importance of mining in Montana.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

Nebraska
The 1945 Legislature changed the official state name to the
“Cornhusker State”. The name is derived from the nickname for the University of Nebraska athletic teams - the "Cornhuskers" - which was coined in 1900 by Charles S. "Cy" Sherman, a sportswriter for the Nebraska State Journal in Lincoln. "Cornhuskers" replaced earlier nicknames, such as "Golden Knights", "Antelopes", and "Bugeaters". The term "cornhusker" comes from the method of harvesting or "husking" corn by hand, which was common in Nebraska before the invention of husking machinery.
source: http://visitnebraska.org/nefacts/

Nevada
Called the “Silver State" because of its large silver mine industries. Named as the “Sage State” and the “Sagebrush State” for the wild sage that grows there prolifically.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

New Hampshire
Granite is the traditional rock in New Hampshire. It gave New Hampshire its nickname of “The Granite State.” New Hampshire once had a large industry surrounding the quarrying of granite.
source: http://www.state.nh.us/nhinfo/rock.html

New Jersey
A distinguished citizen of Camden, Hon. Abraham Browning , stirred the pride of Jerseymen by telling them, at the Centennial Exhibition in Philadelphia, on New Jersey Day, August 24, 1876, that our “Garden State” is like a huge barrel, with both ends open, one of which is plucked by New York and the other by Pennsylvania.
source: http://www.state.nj.us/njfacts/garden.htm

New Mexico
The words “Land of Enchantment” adorns automobile license plates and is used frequently in state publications to promote tourism.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

New York
New York acquired its nickname “Empire State” to recognize its vast wealth and variety of resources.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

North Carolina
In 1629, King Charles I of England "erected into a province," all the land from Albemarle Sound on the north to the St. John's River on the south, which he directed should be called Carolina. The word Carolina is from the word Carolus, the Latin form of Charles.

When Carolina was divided in 1710, the southern part was called South Carolina and the northern, or older settlement, North Carolina. From this came the nickname the “Old North State.” Historians have recorded that the principle products during the early history of North Carolina were "tar, pitch, and turpentine." It was during one of the fiercest battles of the War Between the States, so the story goes, that the column supporting the North Carolina troops was driven from the field. After the battle the North Carolinians, who had successfully fought it out alone, were greeted from the passing derelict regiment with the question: "Any more tar down in the Old North State, boys?" Quick as a flash came the answer: "No, not a bit, old Jeff's bought it all up." "Is that so; what is he going to do with it?" was asked. "He's going to put on you-un's heels to make you stick better in the next fight." Creecy relates that General Lee, upon hearing of the incident, said: "God bless the “Tar Heel” boys," and from that they took the name.

(Adapted from Grandfather Tales of North Carolina by R.B. Creecy and Histories of North Carolina Regiments, Vol. III, by Walter Clark).
source: http://statelibrary.dcr.state.nc.us/nc/symbols/symbols.htm

North Dakota
The International Peace Garden straddles the international Boundary between North Dakota and the Canadian province of Manitoba. In 1956 the North Dakota Motor Vehicle Department, on its own initiative, placed the words “Peace Garden State” on license plates; the name proved so popular that it was formally adopted by the 1957 legislature (North Dakota Century Code (NDCC), Section 39-04-12).

“Flickertail State” refers to the Richardson ground squirrels which are abundant in North Dakota. The animal flicks or jerks its tail in a characteristic manner while running or just before entering its burrow. In 1953 the Legislative Assembly defeated Senate Bill (S.B.) No. 134 that would have adopted the Flickertail facsimile as the official emblem of the state.

“Roughrider State” - This name originated in a state-supported tourism promotion of the 1960s and 70s. It refers to the First U.S. Volunteer Cavalry which Theodore Roosevelt organized to fight in the Spanish-American War. In fact, the "Roughriders," which included several North Dakota cowboys, fought dismounted in Cuba due to logistical problems. In both 1971 (House Bill No. {H.B. No.} 1383) and 1973 (G.B. No. 1443) the Legislative Assembly defeated bills intended to change the words Peace Garden State on state license plates to Roughrider Country.
source: http://www.state.nd.us/demographics.html

Ohio
Ohio, the “Buckeye State”, received its nickname because of the many buckeye trees that once covered its hills and plains.
But that's only partly the reason. We have to go back to the feverish presidential campaign of 1840 for the rest of it.
William Henry Harrison, a Virginia-born Ohioan and military hero, was a candidate for the White House, but his opponents commented that he was better suited to sit in a log cabin and drink hard cider.
Some of Harrison's leading supporters, who were experts in promotional know-how, decided to turn into a positive reference what was supposed to be a negative one.
They dubbed him "the log cabin candidate," and chose as his campaign emblem a log cabin made of buckeye timbers, with a long string of buckeyes decorating its walls. Furthermore, in parades, his backers walked with buckeye canes and rolled whisky barrels.
The campaign gimmicks were successful. "Old Tippecanoe," as Harrison was often called, beat President Martin Van Buren in the latter's bid for re-election, and thereafter the buckeye was closely associated with the state of Ohio.
The name itself is of native origin. Because the markings on the nut resembled the eye of a buck, the Indians called it "hetuck" or "buckeye."
© 1997 Dan Chabek
source: http://www.lkwdpl.org/buckeye/index.html

Oklahoma
In 1889, the Indian Territory was opened to settlers. Thousands of people lined up on the border and, when the signal was given, they raced into the territory to claim their land. Some people went in early to claim their land. They became known as Sooners.
Hence, Oklahoma's nickname today is “The Sooner State”.
source: http://www.salinaok.com/oklahoma.html

Oregon
The American Beaver (Castor canadensis) was named Oregon state animal by the 1969 Legislature. Prized for its fur, the beaver was overtrapped by early settlers and eliminated from much of its original range. Through proper management and partial protection, the beaver has been reestablished in watercourses throughout the state and remains an important economic asset. The beaver has been referred to as "nature's engineer," and its dam-building activities are important to natural water flow and erosion control. Oregon is known as the “Beaver State” and Oregon State University's athletic teams are called the "Beavers."
source: http://www.sos.state.or.us/BlueBook/1999_2000/facts/almanac/almanac01.ht...

Pennsylvania
The word "keystone" comes from architecture and refers to the central, wedge-shaped stone in an arch, which holds all the other stones in place. The application of the term “Keystone State” to Pennsylvania cannot be traced to any single source. It was commonly accepted soon after 1800.

At a Jefferson Republican victory rally in October 1802, Pennsylvania was toasted as "the keystone in the federal union," and in the newspaper Aurora the following year the state was referred to as "the keystone in the democratic arch." The modern persistence of this designation is justified in view of the key position of Pennsylvania in the economic, social, and political development of the United States.
source: http://www.phmc.state.pa.us/

Rhode Island
The “Ocean State” is a nickname used to promote tourism. The nickname “Plantation State” is derived from the states official full name "The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations".
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

South Carolina
“Palmetto State” refers to the South Carolina official state tree, the Sabal Palmetto
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

South Dakota
“Mount Rushmore State” celebrates the epic sculpture of the faces of four exalted American presidents: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln. South Dakota's Black Hills provide the back-drop for Mount Rushmore, the world's greatest mountain carving. These 60-foot high faces, 500-feet up, look out over a setting of pine, spruce, birch, and aspen in the clear western air.
source: http://www.travelsd.com/parks/rushmore/

Tennessee
Tennessee has had several nicknames, but the most popular is “The Volunteer State.” The nickname originated during the War of 1812, in which the volunteer soldiers from Tennessee, serving under Gen. Andrew Jackson, displayed marked valor in the Battle of New Orleans.

Other nicknames include the “Big Bend State,” which refers to the Indian name of the Tennessee River; “The River with the Big Bend”; and “Hog and Hominy State,” now obsolete but formerly applied because “the corn and pork products of Tennessee were in such great proportions between 1830 and 1840”; and “The Mother of Southwestern Statesmen,” because Tennessee furnished the United States three presidents and a number of other leaders who served with distinction in high government office.

Tennesseans sometimes are referred to as “Volunteers,”“Big Benders” and “Butternuts.” The first two are derived from the nickname of the state, while the tag of “Butternuts” was first applied to Tennessee soldiers during the War Between the States because of the tan color of their uniforms. Later, it sometimes was applied to people across the entire state.
source: http://www.state.tn.us/sos/bluebook/online/bbonline.htm

Texas
A single star was part of the Long Expedition (1819), Austin Colony (1821) and several flags of the early Republic of Texas. Some say that the star represented the wish of many Texans to achieve statehood in the United States. Others say it originally represented Texas as the lone state of Mexico which was attempting to uphold its rights under the Mexican Constitution of 1824. At least one "lone star" flag was flown during the Battle of Concepcion and the Siege of Bexar (1835). Joanna Troutman's flag with a single blue star was raised over Velasco on January 8, 1836. Another flag with a single star was raised at the Alamo (1836) according to a journal entry by David Crockett. One carried by General Sam Houston's Texian army (which defeated Mexican General Santa Anna at the Battle of San Jacinto ) may have been captured and taken to Mexico. Another "lone star" flag, similar to the current one but with the red stripe above the white, was also captured the following year (1837) and returned to Mexico. The "David G. Burnet" flag, of "an azure ground" (blue background) "with a large golden star central" was adopted by the Congress of the Republic of Texas in December of 1836. It continued in use as a battle flag after being superseded in January of 1839. The 1839 design has been used to symbolize the Republic and the “Lone Star State” ever since.
source: http://www.main.org/boyscout/texas.htm

Utah
“Beehive State” The beehive became the official state emblem on March 4, 1959. Utahans relate the beehive symbol to industry and the pioneer virtues of thrift and perseverance. The beehive was chosen as the emblem for the provisional State of Deseret in 1848 and was maintained on the seal of the State of Utah when Utah became a state in 1896.
source: http://www.state.ut.us/about/motto_emblem.html

Vermont
“Green Mountain State” Verd Mont was a name given to the Green Mountains in October, 176l, by the Rev. Dr. Peters, the first clergyman who paid a visit to the 30,000 settlers in that country, in the presence of Col. Taplin, Col. Willes, Col. Peters, Judge Peters and many others, who were proprietors of a large number of townships in that colony. The ceremony was performed on the top of a rock standing on a high mountain, then named Mount Pisgah because it provided to the company a clear sight of lake Champlain at the west, and of Connecticut river at the east, and overlooked all the trees and hills in the vast wilderness at the north and south.
source: http://www.uvm.edu/state/GreenMount/verdmont.html

Virginia
“Old Dominion State” Charles II of England quartered the arms of Virginia on his shield in 1663, thus adding Virginia to his dominions of France, Ireland and Scotland. Called the “Mother State” because it was the first state to be colonized.
source: State Names, Seals, Flags, and Symbols by Benjamin F. Shearer, Barbara S. Shearer

Washington
On November 11, 1889, Washington became the 42nd state to enter the Union. It is the only state named for a president. Washington was nicknamed “The Evergreen State” by C.T. Conover, pioneer Seattle realtor and historian, for its abundant evergreen forests. The nickname was adopted by the Legislature in February, 1893.
source: http://www.leg.wa.gov/legis/symbols/symbols.htm

West Virginia
The Appalachian Mountains extend through the eastern portion of the state, giving West Virginia its nickname of the “Mountain State.”
source: http://www.state.wv.us/hcawv/shp/chp1.htm

Wisconsin
“Badger State” Although the badger has been closely associated with Wisconsin since territorial days, it was not declared the official state animal until 1957. Over the years its likeness had been incorporated in the state coat of arms, the seal, the flag and even State Capitol architecture, as well as being immortalized in the song "On, Wisconsin!" ("Grand old bager state!")
source: http://www.legis.state.wi.us/lrb/bb/ch11.pdf

Wyoming
Wyoming is known as the “Equality State” because of the rights women have traditionally enjoyed there. Wyoming women were the first in the nation to vote, serve on juries and hold public office.
source: http://www.state.wy.us/state/wyoming_news/general/text_history.html

Mitch Hedberg - My Favorite Comedian

Whiplash — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 07:58:12 -0800

Mitch Hedberg is my favorite comedian of all time. His style (random non-sequiturs) reminded me of old-school Stephen Wright.

Hedberg sadly died in March of 2005 of a drug overdose. But here are some of my favorite quotes from his stand-up (courtesy of Wikiquote):

* I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f*cker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f*cker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

* I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to WAIT."

* I was going to have my teeth whitened, but then I said "f*ck that, I'll just get a tan instead."

* I bought a house, it's a two-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? f*ck you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy's house. "Sir, you've got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"

* When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was.

* I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks sh*t.

* Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullsh*t replica, 'cause dude didn't even get his degree.

* I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.

* I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner."

* You think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?

* I like the FedEx driver, because he's drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time!

* My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

* I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

* I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

* I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. Then when I finally walk in, the guy says "Can I help you?" "Just practicing!"

* A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

* I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too.

* I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so I got a cake.

* I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

* Alcoholism is a disease, but it's like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.

* I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent. How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

UPDATED TO ADD...

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out

I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all of those people were at my show.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together and then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes all at once.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here!

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer; she made it half-way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans. Maybe they're just as good, and we're not wasting time.

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.""

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several, simultaneously with two other guys who look just like me.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It's in my file at home, under 'D'".

I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you."

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

A mini-bar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the mini-bar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off and charge me, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. Look what I have. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." How you'd pull that off? What's that camera look like?

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. Sometimes I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load stuff into a truck.

I had a job interview with an insurance company, and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me that question."

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell Xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.

Al Gore’s Climate of Extremes

Grandpa — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 22:33:59 -0800

Al Gore’s Climate of Extremes [Patrick J. Michaels]

Ho-hum. On January 28, in the midst of a pelting sleet storm, Al Gore told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that the end is nigh from global warming.

He told the Senate that “some scientists” predict up to 11 degrees of warming in the next 91 years (while failing to note that the last 12 have seen exactly none), and that this would “bring a screeching halt to human civilization and threaten the fiber of life everywhere on earth.” Hey folks, this is serious!

Besides having a remarkable knack for scheduling big speeches on remarkably cold or snowy days (it’s known as the “Gore Effect” in journalistic circles), Gore has been incredibly ineffective in bringing his message home.

According to the New York Times, Gore told the Web 2.0 Summit in San Francisco last November, “I feel, in a sense, I’ve failed badly. . . . [T]here is not anything anywhere close to an appropriate sense of urgency [about global warming]. This is an existential threat.”

And fail he has. The Pew Foundation recently asked Americans to choose which of 20 prominent issues is of most importance. They included the economy, crime, education, and, of course, global warming, which came in dead last.

Gore’s failure is his own fault. He gained a reputation for exaggeration during his 2000 campaign, and he’s unable to shake it-because he’s proud of it, saying that it’s just fine to emphasize extreme global warming scenarios because they get people’s attention. Telling people you’re exaggerating isn’t exactly the way to get street cred. In Washington on January 28, his campaign continued.

The fact is that the “fiber of life” can be found on this planet over a range of 140°F, from Antarctica to the Death Valley. People actually live in these places. The average temperature of the planet is about 61°, a temperature at which Homo sapiens au naturel will die from hypothermia. So ask yourself if raising the temperature 11 (impossible) degrees will indeed bring civilization to a “screeching halt.”

It’s not like the press is very vigilant, either. A couple of years ago, he got a free pass on Larry King Live (May 22, 2007) after making at least seven exaggerations or outright misstatements on climate change in less than a minute.

Gore fielded a call asking “what issues caused by climate change globally are likely to affect the United States security during the next ten years?”

He responded, “you know, even a one-meter increase, even a three-foot increase in sea level would cause tens of millions of climate refugees.”

In ten years? The United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), hardly an apolitical body (the IPCC’s “lead authors” are all appointed by their governments), gives an average sea-level rise of 1.25 inches in the next ten years for its “midrange” temperature scenario. Never mind that it hasn’t warmed since 1997 and that sea-level rise is clearly slowing as a result.

Gore went on: “Today, 49 percent of America is in conditions of drought or near-drought”, and that “the odds of serious droughts increase when the average temperatures go up.”

That’s a testable hypothesis. The history of U.S. drought back to 1895 is readily available from the National Climatic Data Center in Asheville, North Carolina, as is the history of global temperature. Although surface temperatures have risen about 1.4 degrees since 1900 (with maybe half of that a result of emissions of carbon dioxide), there’s no similar trend in U.S. drought. Gore had to know that.

In the same minute, he droned on about how in a hotter world, “agriculture in the United States would be greatly affected.”

Thanks, Al, for another assertion subject to analysis. The slight rise in surface temperature was accompanied by a 500 percent increase in United States yield of corn (that’s the amount we produce per acre). How could any possible warming in ten years put a dent in that? The IPCC projects about 0.3 degrees of warming per decade now, or about a fifth of the total warming of the last 100 years. That’s going to “greatly affect” agriculture?

People notice these exaggerations. They see that food is still on the table (despite the government’s attempt to burn it up as ethanol). They know the country isn’t particularly dry, nor particularly wet. They can go to the beach and see that the ocean isn’t notably higher than it was before.

In other words, Gore’s lack of penetration is a result his own exaggerations. He’s created a climate of extremes that people are simply tired of, which is why his issue ranks dead last. He’s right. He’s failed.

Tam O' Shanter by Robert Burns

scotlandrulz — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 12:35:18 -0800

"Of Brownyis and of Bogillis full is this Buke."
Gawin Douglas.

When chapman billies leave the street,
And drouthy neibors, neibors, meet;
As market days are wearing late,
And folk begin to tak the gate,
While we sit bousing at the nappy,
An' getting fou and unco happy,
We think na on the lang Scots miles,
The mosses, waters, slaps and stiles,
That lie between us and our hame,
Where sits our sulky, sullen dame,
Gathering her brows like gathering storm,
Nursing her wrath to keep it warm.

This truth fand honest Tam o' Shanter,
As he frae Ayr ae night did canter:
(Auld Ayr, wham ne'er a town surpasses,
For honest men and bonie lasses).

O Tam! had'st thou but been sae wise,
As taen thy ain wife Kate's advice!
She tauld thee weel thou was a skellum,
A blethering, blustering, drunken blellum;
That frae November till October,
Ae market-day thou was na sober;
That ilka melder wi' the Miller,
Thou sat as lang as thou had siller;
That ev'ry naig was ca'd a shoe on
The Smith and thee gat roarin' fou on;
That at the Lord's house, ev'n on Sunday,
Thou drank wi' Kirkton Jean till Monday,
She prophesied that late or soon,
Thou wad be found, deep drown'd in Doon,
Or catch'd wi' warlocks in the mirk,
By Alloway's auld, haunted kirk.

Ah, gentle dames! it gars me greet,
To think how mony counsels sweet,
How mony lengthen'd, sage advices,
The husband frae the wife despises!

But to our tale: Ae market night,
Tam had got planted unco right,
Fast by an ingle, bleezing finely,
Wi reaming sAats, that drank divinely;
And at his elbow, Souter Johnie,
His ancient, trusty, drougthy crony:
Tam lo'ed him like a very brither;
They had been fou for weeks thegither.
The night drave on wi' sangs an' clatter;
And aye the ale was growing better:
The Landlady and Tam grew gracious,
Wi' favours secret, sweet, and precious:
The Souter tauld his queerest stories;
The Landlord's laugh was ready chorus:
The storm without might rair and rustle,
Tam did na mind the storm a whistle.

Care, mad to see a man sae happy,
E'en drown'd himsel amang the nappy.
As bees flee hame wi' lades o' treasure,
The minutes wing'd their way wi' pleasure:
Kings may be blest, but Tam was glorious,
O'er a' the ills o' life victorious!

But pleasures are like poppies spread,
You seize the flow'r, its bloom is shed;
Or like the snow falls in the river,
A moment white-then melts for ever;
Or like the Borealis race,
That flit ere you can point their place;
Or like the Rainbow's lovely form
Evanishing amid the storm. -
Nae man can tether Time nor Tide,
The hour approaches Tam maun ride;
That hour, o' night's black arch the key-stane,
That dreary hour he mounts his beast in;
And sic a night he taks the road in,
As ne'er poor sinner was abroad in.

The wind blew as 'twad blawn its last;
The rattling showers rose on the blast;
The speedy gleams the darkness swallow'd;
Loud, deep, and lang, the thunder bellow'd:
That night, a child might understand,
The deil had business on his hand.

Weel-mounted on his grey mare, Meg,
A better never lifted leg,
Tam skelpit on thro' dub and mire,
Despising wind, and rain, and fire;
Whiles holding fast his gude blue bonnet,
Whiles crooning o'er some auld Scots sonnet,
Whiles glow'rin round wi' prudent cares,
Lest bogles catch him unawares;
Kirk-Alloway was drawing nigh,
Where ghaists and houlets nightly cry.

By this time he was cross the ford,
Where in the snaw the chapman smoor'd;
And past the birks and meikle stane,
Where drunken Charlie brak's neck-bane;
And thro' the whins, and by the cairn,
Where hunters fand the murder'd bairn;
And near the thorn, aboon the well,
Where Mungo's mither hang'd hersel'.
Before him Doon pours all his floods,
The doubling storm roars thro' the woods,
The lightnings flash from pole to pole,
Near and more near the thunders roll,
When, glimmering thro' the groaning trees,
Kirk-Alloway seem'd in a bleeze,
Thro' ilka bore the beams were glancing,
And loud resounded mirth and dancing.

Inspiring bold John Barleycorn!
What dangers thou canst make us scorn!
Wi' tippenny, we fear nae evil;
Wi' usquabae, we'll face the devil!
The swats sae ream'd in Tammie's noddle,
Fair play, he car'd na deils a boddle,
But Maggie stood, right sair astonish'd,
Till, by the heel and hand admonish'd,
She ventur'd forward on the light;
And, wow! Tam saw an unco sight!

Warlocks and witches in a dance:
Nae cotillon, brent new frae France,
But hornpipes, jigs, strathspeys, and reels,
Put life and mettle in their heels.
A winnock-bunker in the east,
There sat auld Nick, in shape o' beast;
A towzie tyke, black, grim, and large,
To gie them music was his charge:
He screw'd the pipes and gart them skirl,
Till roof and rafters a' did dirl. -
Coffins stood round, like open presses,
That shaw'd the Dead in their last dresses;
And (by some devilish cantraip sleight)
Each in its cauld hand held a light.
By which heroic Tam was able
To note upon the haly table,
A murderer's banes, in gibbet-airns;
Twa span-lang, wee, unchristened bairns;
A thief, new-cutted frae a rape,
Wi' his last gasp his gabudid gape;
Five tomahawks, wi' blude red-rusted:
Five scimitars, wi' murder crusted;
A garter which a babe had strangled:
A knife, a father's throat had mangled.
Whom his ain son of life bereft,
The grey-hairs yet stack to the heft;
Wi' mair of horrible and awfu',
Which even to name wad be unlawfu'.
Three lawyers tongues, turned inside oot,
Wi' lies, seamed like a beggars clout,
Three priests hearts, rotten, black as muck,
Lay stinkin, vile in every neuk.

As Tammie glowr'd, amaz'd, and curious,
The mirth and fun grew fast and furious;
The Piper loud and louder blew,
The dancers quick and quicker flew,
The reel'd, they set, they cross'd, they cleekit,
Till ilka carlin swat and reekit,
And coost her duddies to the wark,
And linkit at it in her sark!

Now Tam, O Tam! had they been queans,
A' plump and strapping in their teens!
Their sarks, instead o' creeshie flainen,
Been snaw-white seventeen hunder linen!-
Thir breeks o' mine, my only pair,
That ance were plush o' guid blue hair,
I wad hae gien them off my hurdies,
For ae blink o' the bonie burdies!
But wither'd beldams, auld and droll,
Rigwoodie hags wad spean a foal,
Louping an' flinging on a crummock.
I wonder did na turn thy stomach.

But Tam kent what was what fu' brawlie:
There was ae winsome wench and waulie
That night enlisted in the core,
Lang after ken'd on Carrick shore;
(For mony a beast to dead she shot,
And perish'd mony a bonie boat,
And shook baith meikle corn and bear,
And kept the country-side in fear);
Her cutty sark, o' Paisley harn,
That while a lassie she had worn,
In longitude tho' sorely scanty,
It was her best, and she was vauntie.
Ah! little ken'd thy reverend grannie,
That sark she coft for her wee Nannie,
Wi twa pund Scots ('twas a' her riches),
Wad ever grac'd a dance of witches!

But here my Muse her wing maun cour,
Sic flights are far beyond her power;
To sing how Nannie lap and flang,
(A souple jade she was and strang),
And how Tam stood, like ane bewithc'd,
And thought his very een enrich'd:
Even Satan glowr'd, and fidg'd fu' fain,
And hotch'd and blew wi' might and main:
Till first ae caper, syne anither,
Tam tint his reason a thegither,
And roars out, "Weel done, Cutty-sark!"
And in an instant all was dark:
And scarcely had he Maggie rallied.
When out the hellish legion sallied.

As bees bizz out wi' angry fyke,
When plundering herds assail their byke;
As open pussie's mortal foes,
When, pop! she starts before their nose;
As eager runs the market-crowd,
When "Catch the thief!" resounds aloud;
So Maggie runs, the witches follow,
Wi' mony an eldritch skreich and hollow.

Ah, Tam! Ah, Tam! thou'll get thy fairin!
In hell, they'll roast thee like a herrin!
In vain thy Kate awaits thy comin!
Kate soon will be a woefu' woman!
Now, do thy speedy-utmost, Meg,
And win the key-stone o' the brig;^1
There, at them thou thy tail may toss,
A running stream they dare na cross.
But ere the keystane she could make,
The fient a tail she had to shake!
For Nannie, far before the rest,
Hard upon noble Maggie prest,
And flew at Tam wi' furious ettle;
But little wist she Maggie's mettle!
Ae spring brought off her master hale,
But left behind her ain grey tail:
The carlin claught her by the rump,
And left poor Maggie scarce a stump.

Now, wha this tale o' truth shall read,
Ilk man and mother's son, take heed:
Whene'er to Drink you are inclin'd,
Or Cutty-sarks rin in your mind,
Think ye may buy the joys o'er dear;
Remember Tam o' Shanter's mare.

Sandra Lee Thanksgiving Special... the next Generation

Padraigin — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 09:42:59 -0800

Oh my. What can I say but Oh My.

First, the menu:

Sweet Onion Tartlets
Prosciutto Wrapped Figs
Cranberry Molds
Garlic and Herbed Early Peas and French Beans
Buttermilk Mashed Potatoes
Roasted Butter Herb Turkey
Turkey Dripping Gravy
Cornbread Dressing
Mayflower Martini
Sweet Biscuit Wreath
Indian Pudding

Doesn't sound so bad, huh? Don't let the menu fool you. This is, after all, semi-homemade

SWEET ONION TARTLETS: Starts off good. Caramelized vidalia onions and a normal savory custard. But then she has to toss in the Golden Onion Soup packet (not necessary - if you need a little chiken or beef flavor, use a little thickened stock) and Monterey Jack Cheese (I would have used Gruyere or Swiss - those are more compatible). On the 1-5 scale, 1 being retching in the bathroom and 5 being shocked that she got something right, I would actually give this recipe a 3.5 - 4. It's really not bad and easy to fix.

PROSCIUTTO WRAPPED FIGS: Again, not bad, Sandy Lou. There's the small matter of the honey and pumpkin pie spice glaze, but that is easily fixed by simply pretending she didn't f*ck up the recipe by adding some crappy glaze. I give this recipe a 3 - for the glaze and because figs belong in newtons.

CRANBERRY MOLDS: Hope she isn't inviting kids to her dinner because these are basically choking hazard jello shots in 4 inch molds. Seriously: cranberry juice cocktail, sugar-free cranberry gelatin, orange flavored vodka, whole berry cranberry sauce, orange zest, chopped pecans, fresh cranberries and mint for garnish. As a shooter, I give it a 4 (loss of a point for the pecan choking hazard), as a side dish, I give it a 2.

GARLIC AND HERBED EARLY PEAS AND FRENCH BEANS: What a treat. Frozen veggies! Half and Half! Cognac! A packet of garlic herb sauce mix! Salt and Pepper! Yum yum yum. And then she claims it's better than the usual green bean casserole. Yeah, but only because of the booze, you bubble headed blonde lush! I give it a 2 because, hey, it's the holidays.

ROASTED BUTTER HERB TURKEY: Again with the packets of high sodium crap. The garlic herb sauce makes a reappearance, and something called fresh herbs poultry herb blend. And because it's just too difficult to take a tukey's temp with a real thermometer, she recommends a plastic pop up one. Still, despite the packets of crap, it's OK. I give the turkey a 3. It's nothing special, but it won't kill you. Most likely. The gravy was fairly normal, but she added more poutry seasoning to it.

BUTTERMILK MASHED POTATOES: OK, this is scary. A bag of frozen roasted potatoes (basically fancy french fries), a packet of alfredo sauce mix, buttermilk, butter, chives, all mashed together. I give this a 1. On the food network site, they show actual potatoes used, but NO NO NO. SHE USED FANCY FRENCH FRIES AND MASHED THEM UP WITH LOTS OF NASTY sh*t!!!! I SAW IT. OK. I'm calm now.

CORNBREAD DRESSING: I have no words. Well, I do, but none of them are particularly nice. Egg, chicken broth, store brought cornbread, frozen diced onions, Italian Herb Marinade Mix (packet, of course), water chestnuts (which she seems to think are the same as regular chestnuts, but Nat King Cole didn't sing about Water Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire... but I digress), creamed corn, and Monterey Jack Cheese. Yes. Monterey Jack Cheese. With creamed corn. And water chestnuts. in a corn bread base. Excuse me, the porcelain god calls.

SWEET BISCUIT WREATH: Not sure WHERE or WHEN it's supposed to be served. On the show, she said it was the bread on the table. But who wants to eat leaf shaped biscuits rolled in sugar and pumpkin pie spice as part of dinner? Ands frankly, it's not that appealing as dessert either, especially with the slop in a crock pot she has prepared for that course.

MAYFLOWER MARTINI: Pfft, Cranberry martini, complete with choking hazard fresh cranberry garnish.

INDIAN PUDDING: Yes, Sandra Lee. The Indians... er... Native Americans certainly loved to fire up the crock pot, fill it with INSTANT butterscotch pudding, INSTANT corn muffin mix, milk, molasses, eggs, cinnamon, and ginger and cook all that instant stuff for three hours.

At least her table looked less assy than usual.

YUMMY PopCorn

MonaLisa16 — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 08:00:46 -0700

Okies so it's 5 minutes to showtime and ready to make PopCorn!! Just pop in your favourite bag of popcorn in the microwave and let the heat do all the work. When finished, pour yummy PopCorn into large bowl and set up camp in front of LARRY KING Live. Enjoy! For a SUGARY treat, sprinkle tiny bit oil, shake sugar and salt over top of yummy PopCorn and enjoy! Voila!

Dinner Parties for All Budgets

ALSW — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 08:02:13 -0700

It's a party!

$: Southern Shindig
Nothing gets people's mouths watering like down-home cooking -- the main event at this party. Order takeout fried chicken and make all the fixings yourself, or fry up a batch of easier-to-cook chicken-fried steak. Make sure to have plenty of cold beer on hand too. And whatever you do, don't forget the liquor.

Setup: Pull out your fine china and nicest table linens for a proper Southern supper. Put out a bouquet of fresh flowers, like hydrangeas or roses, and play scratchy recordings of Roy Orbison and Dizzy Gillespie. If it's summer, turn off the AC, open the windows to let in the sounds of the crickets and birds, and pass out old-fashioned paper fans.

Food: Serve platters of chicken-fried steak, biscuits, and coleslaw; then offer pecan pie or blueberry cobbler with vanilla ice cream.

Signature drink: Mint julep iced tea.

$: Campout at Home
Who says you have to spend the night in the woods to chow down on roasted hot dogs and s'mores? Your friends will love the little-kid fun of a roaring fire and camp songs. Have everyone bring their sleeping bags, and don't forget the flashlights.

Setup: Fire up the old barbecue grill. Or better yet, if you have a fire pit, get that going and let people sit around it, dipping in wieners and marshmallows. Put candles in a dozen or so Mason jars. And, since you aren't actually in the woods, bring the TV outside and show some favorite old-school movies. Play truth-or-dare.

Food: Do you really need suggestions? Hot dogs, skewers of marinated chicken and vegetables, roasted corn, and s'mores (of course).

Signature drink: Lemonade cocktails, or "bug juice"-tinis.

$$: Asian Banquet
Treat your friends to an exotic evening with an affair inspired by the Far East. Turn down the lights, fill the room with delicate glowing candles and lanterns, and enjoy plates of sumptuous sushi made at home.

Setup: Clear out as many knickknacks as you can from the room in which you'll be hosting, to create a more minimalist space. Hang Japanese paper lanterns, and place glowing tea lights all around. Set up pretty Asian fans, and wear a gorgeous silk jacket or a silk dress. Use only chopsticks for eating.

Food: California rolls are easier to make yourself than you may think. Teriyaki is a consistent crowd-pleaser, and sashimi and tempura are also fun to try. Put out a bowl of fortune cookies too, and make everyone read his or her fortune out loud.

Signature drink: Sake and hot tea.

$$: Spanish Express
Spaniards have the right idea: Prepare lots of small plates of bite-size morsels, tasty delectables for everyone to pass around and share. What better format for a party? Play Spanish music (flamenco! tango!), and let the lively Mediterranean vibe take over.

Setup: Get your guests into the party mood with vases of large festive tissue-paper flowers, and have Gipsy Kings' songs fill the room. Cover the table in a bright cloth, and set out maracas for people to shake along with the music -- in between sips of wine and mouthfuls of olives.

Food: Everyone eats Spanish-style with their fingers or with toothpicks -- stuffed olives, empanadas, Spanish omelets, chorizo, garlic shrimp, cheese cubes, and meatballs in spicy tomato sauce.

Signature drink: Sangria.

$$$: Midyear Thanksgiving
If you're as disgruntled as we are that turkey, gravy, stuffing, and pumpkin pie come around only once a year, then consider giving thanks a second time by having all of your friends over for a feast to end all others.

Setup: The holiday regular -- you'll want to use your nice table linens and maybe even your fanciest plates. A cornucopia centerpiece overflowing with grapes, apples, oranges, and pears will get the autumnal spirit stirring. Find fake fall leaves at a crafts store to scatter too.

Food: All the late-November favorites, like roast turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, buttered rolls, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, green beans (come on, you need something not drowning in fat and sugar), and pumpkin pie for dessert.

Signature drink: Hot spiced apple cider.

$$$: Gatsby Supper
One height of glamour came in the 1920s, when hemlines rose and cloche hats covered perfectly painted faces. Men wore wingtips and white ties with black suits, and everyone partied up a storm, thanks to Prohibition. Hosting a glamorous evening from a bygone era takes not much more than a trip to the grocery store and superfabulous outfits.

Setup: Pull out your porcelain dishes, linen napkins and tablecloth, and sterling for the table. Play George Gershwin and early Louis Armstrong in the background. Beforehand, go vintage-clothing shopping (online or at your favorite secondhand shop) for drop-waist dresses, long strings of pearls, cigarette holders, and black suits with white or black ties.

Food: Spinach dip, sirloin steak or fish fillets, creamy mashed potatoes, and roasted asparagus. Top it off with an old-fashioned three-layer chocolate cake.

Signature drink: Martinis, of course.

From http://www.thenest.com/articles/article_living.aspx?articleid=A606051829...